A What-If Mommy

Last October there was a series going over on the Girl-Talk blog (love it!) that included this article and this article. I highly recommend you read them if you are one of my sweet Mommy friends, or if you are desiring to become a Mommy, or if you are a woman, or even if you are just a regular person!! I was so convicted of the sin of fear in my own life after I read these articles that I was led to do a lot of thinking and repenting and assessing- One of the reasons I took a break from the blog for a while.

This was the last entry I wrote in response before my break in October... but I'm just now posting it:

Are any of my other Mommy friends "worry wart 'what if' freaks of natures" when it comes to your children?!?!

I know I'm not alone in this. I hope I'm not!!! My child is 16 months old and sometimes I still wake up with a start in the middle of the night and go to her room to make sure she is breathing. I remember the first time she threw up, I almost had a stroke. Other times I've allowed my thoughts to get so out of hand that I start to think of all of these horrible things that could happen. And I mean horrible things. I have literally caused myself to sob over the fear that some tragedy would befall Tyler and then I'd have to parent alone. I cry as if he is already gone. It is like I'm practicing my reactions and emotions... just in case it ever happens. My thought is... practiced = prepared. As if crying my eyes out at a pretend scenario would prepare me for horrible tragedy.

Seriously. I'm starting to get annoyed at myself.

But I know I'm not alone.

I never recognized this fear as unbelief until today. This fear is sin.

"God is not sympathetic to my unbelief. Why? Because fear, worry, and unbelief say to God that we don’t really believe He is ‘merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness’ (Psalm 86:15). We are calling God a liar." Carolyn Mahaney

I want to be a mother, a wife, a woman who believes God. Who trusts Him.

I can entrust Aubrey to God. I can trust His character. I can believe that He is always full of grace and compassion. I can believe He is always good. I can believe that He is pursuing me with His mercies, and that when I wake up in the morning they are new. I can believe that His strength is made perfect in this weakness of mine. I can choose to believe God. Because He is magnificently believable. Wonderfully truthful. His grace is sufficient and He's "busy working today's trouble for good."

Amen.

Now it is several months later... my daughter is 23 months old... and I can confidently say that I am free from this sin of fear. It tries to come back sometimes but then I remember that God is believable! I remind myself that He is who He says He is. God is not in the business of trickery. He knows what He is doing! I want to leave a legacy of belief to my children. I want Aubrey to remember me as a woman who believed God. I simply want to walk in freedom!

Sigh.

Thanks for listening today. I wish I could sit across the table with you and hear about your struggles and victories. Love you so...

Bails